Holiday Stories, Part 2

This isn't so much a story, but rather an ode to the holiday programming on one of my favorite channels, QVC. Do you watch QVC? Do you order anything from it? Do you wonder, like I do, who the 2,278 people are in America watching QVC at 4am and ordering scented candles?

I love to watch QVC but have never ordered anything from it. I am fascinated by how they market the items to the masses. After several hundred hours of viewing, I have determined several things:
1. Scarcity is king: "We only have 400 of these left!" Does America not hate scarcity? We will do anything, it seems, to not be left out of a great deal. I was watching a show on QVC all about holiday decorating- trees, wreaths, garland, etc.- and the hostess admonished us right off the bat: "If you want the 10' tree, you need order it NOW! We will be SOLD OUT! You will have to wait until NEXT YEAR to get another one!" And later in the show, when they indeed had sold out, she stated matter of factly, "I TOLD you to order early! Now you'll have to wait until 2008!"

2. Bed linens must be massaged: Whenever they are selling bed linens, pillows, comforters, etc., there are ALWAYS two hostesses- one to talk about the item's thread count, washing instructions, available colors, and available sizes while the other woman's job is solely to massage the sheets and pillows. Back and forth, back and forth her hand goes over the cotton. That's the whole segment.

3. The power of suggestion: These sales people are brilliant at suggesting ways to use the item, why you should buy it, why YOU DESERVE the item, and why buying two is definitely necessary. "One as a gift and one for yourself!" My favorite line that they use over and over again during the holidays is, "Ladies, how many gifts have you bought for everyone else? Isn't it time you buy SOMETHING for yourself?!?" Another example of this is one of my most-quoted QVC stories. I was watching a segment on comforter sets (massage, massage) and thinking, you know, that's not a bad looking set. You get alot of stuff with it. And the hostess started saying, "Ladies, don't you want new, fresh linens on your beds? Don't you want to feel that sense of pride when you walk into your room and see this beautiful set? What about when you're giving tours of your home during your holiday parties? Wouldn't this been a show stopper?" And I'm thinking, "Should I be giving tours of my house during MY holiday parties? I mean, we just put peoples' coats on our beds and hope they can find a place to sit and eat! Are people hoping for a tour? I don't have a new comforter set! I have an old flannel set with snowmen on it that I bought online when I was pregnant with Jenna and blamed on my raging hormones! I need a show stopper!" But I eventually calmed down and resisted picking up the phone.

4. They've all got sisters in law named Betty in Florida: QVC loves taking testimonials from people on the air while they're hawking an item. Either you've bought the item before or this is your first time and they want you to say how excited you are, what color you bought, how much you love QVC, and so on. I personally get a little nervous when they take calls because I'm always afraid they're going to get pranked in some way. The format of the phone call goes something like this:
Host: We've got Shirley on the line from Oklahoma. Hi Shirley... what did you choose today?
Caller: I chose the eyeshadow kit.
Host: Yes, that is a wonderful product.
Caller: I love you so much and watch you all the time. You're so pretty!
Host: Why thank you Shirley... I'm glad you enjoy watching what QVC has to offer.
Caller: I love buying things from QVC and my husband is always wishin' I wouldn't watch so much but I can't help it!
Host: Well, thank you for shopping with us. (Her tone of voice at this point sort of indicates she's ready to wind down this conversation and move on.)
Caller: Yes, I just love all you gals. Can I say hi to someone?
Host: Sure, Shirley.
Caller: I want to say hi to my sister in law Betty in Florida. Hi, Betty!!!!
Host: Hi Betty! I hope she's watching.(Some of the hosts actually wave while looking at the camera. This blows my mind. What are the chances Betty is watching QVC? She's probably not even watching tv and here on national tv we're all stopping to wave at her.) Thanks again for calling us.
Caller: Thank you!!! Keep up the good work! I love you!
Host: OK, thank you. Moving on...

5. The Countdown Clock: They started in the end of November displaying the Countdown to Christmas Clock, which made me feel panicky every time I saw it. They loved starting a show with ,"Only 14 days, 11 hours and 35 minutes until the Big Day..." and no matter where I was in terms of getting things accomplished, I always thought, "Yikes! Only 14 days to go!! What am I doing sitting here watching a show about Gourmet Delights?? Time to get crack-a lackin'!" I think this is connected to the Scarcity is King idea.

6. Easy Pay and a dollar a day: They sometimes break down the cost of an item into two or three payments, called Easy Pay. This is clearly a desirable feature because they hawk the Easy Pay like crazy. "This lovely set will ONLY be on Easy Pay TODAY so call now!" They further crack me up by focusing on the cost per day of the item. Say an item costs $55 dollars. They break that down into two Easy Pay payments of $27.50. The hosts love to say, "You'll be enjoying this item for LESS THAN A DOLLAR A DAY!!" I don't pay my bills every day. I don't get paid every day (actually, I don't get paid at all...) We get money twice a month and I pay my credit card bill once a month. Who cares how much PER DAY I am paying? I'm not sending them 78 cents in the mail every day and thinking, "Wow! That's barely anything!" I know that they are trying to make it sound like it costs less than it is. Though I clearly am an easy target for most of their gimmicks (see 1-5 above) this one isn't as effective.

I do love QVC and my favorite hostess Lisa. She's real pretty and fun and just nice. I love their jewelry shows, the bedding shows and the bare minerals shows. Maybe in 2008 I will actually buy something.