Thoughts on motherhood

I have thinking alot lately about motherhood and what it means to me to be a mom... I think it started with celebrating Mother's Day, surviving Jenna's puking all weekend, feeling like I both adore and want to strangle my own children (often at the same time) and the ongoing discussion in the Libutti house about having another child (...it's not looking good...).

Dan asked me, "Why do you want another child?"- not in a nasty way, just looking for my reasons- and I tried to quantify what I was feeling. I would love to have another sibling for the girls, I would love to have three girls, I would love to have a boy, I would love to experience pregnancy and birth and baptism and all the other fantastic life events that go with having children. Beyond that, I was stuck. How do you explain in words why you have children? How do you put into words the love you have for your child? My girls are my entire life- even more so now that I am home with them every day and have no other "job" than being their mom. I feel like they are part of me- an extension of who I am, so close to me that not only can I not imagine life without them, I can't even describe life WITH them. I thought maybe it would be like saying , "How much do you love your eyes?" I love having eyes to see both the good and bad life has to offer, beauty and wonder and love, but I could live without my eyes. The analogy doesn't go deep enough. I read somewhere that having children is like growing another heart, but this one is on the outside, exposed and unprotected and I think I like that description the best.

I was watching A Baby Story on TV the other day and a new mom said she was so amazed that now she and her husband have this little person that they will both love together for the rest of their lives. I thought that captured the essence of bringing a child into one's family... in a way, you are married to this child for ever and give them love, support, and friendship as you would give to your spouse. Having children does bring you closer together as a couple... the family you make together is your beautiful creation. (Of course, nothing stresses a marriage more than having children, too... but I think getting through the tough times usually deepens the overall experience).

Being a mom is a tough job. It is a marathon that tests one's endurance, patience, selflessness, and tolerance. It's about being puked on and not getting mad. It's about giving up sleep and free time. It's about watching the Diego Saves Christmas DVD 856,472,581 times and still singing along ("Santa, don't forget us/Santa please remember/ we're celebrating Christmas at the animal rescue center..."). It's about making meals that get eaten, doing laundry that just gets worn again, and picking up toys that get taken out again- every day. It's about making decisions about what clothes to wear, activities to do, rules to enforce, food to eat, friends to play with, and books to read- every day.

When I first had Jenna, we bought Michaela a book called Big Sister Dora that talks about how exciting it is to have a new person in your family. The book describes a baby as someone who "drinks from a bottle, sleeps in a cradle, wears diapers and likes to be rocked to sleep." I was so traumatized from the constant needs of Jenna to be held, nursed, and be with only me that I would read the book and be FURIOUS and want to scream to the author: "They do NOT all drink from bottles!! They do NOT sleep in cradles!!! They do NOT smile when they are first born, like Dora's twin brother and sister do!!! This is not true!! They cry and poop and refuse bottles and nurse for hours and don't want anyone else to hold them and then they cry some more!!!" Heck, Jenna's two years old and it still kind of bugs me when I read it.

But oh, the joys... watching them grow and smile and laugh and learn and listen and love. Exposing them to to the world and seeing them rejoice in it. Guiding them to be decent, loving, kind, faithful people. The hugs and kisses and unconditional love they give you. The pride you feel when they've done something great. Holding a sleeping baby. Delicious! That is so much bigger than a load of laundry or a sleepless night. The bad stuff is so little and the good stuff is so impossibly big.

I told a friend of mine, who was expecting her first baby, "Kids are alot of work... but when I think of how many millions of times I've smiled and laughed because of them, it is so worth it."